Surviving Christmas: Ideas for Grinches

Christmas: What is so merry about it? The Christmas holiday is falling into a pit of snakes (or having the in-laws visit and act happy about it). Christmas is having to spend too much money on people you only remotely care about and then feel stupid (when they don’t give you a gift back) or guilty (when they buy you an expensive, thoughtful gift). Christmas is hearing that is all about ‘peace on earth, good will toward men’ while watching people run over each other to get the latest deal at some cheap discount store. It’s is little wonder so many of us would rather say, "Bah Humbug" than "Ho-Ho-Ho". We are beset by the Grinch spirit and wish the Great Grinch would have succeeded in stealing Christmas.

The list of reasons not to like Christmas could go on forever. For many the hype and commericalizm of Christmas, all the build up the actual holiday, is enough to drive ordinarily kind, generous people into anxiety riddled maniacs. Christmas just keeps coming back … like the flu or the Terminator. And, each year our commercially driven society seems to keep finding ways to extend the ‘holiday season’. But, hold strong, there are things that Grinches can do to survive the season. Keep reading and your chances of survival (and holding on to what little good will you have) can almost triple.

Christmas in Las Vegas

This is for those lucky, unmarried folks (or who are happily married to someone from a religion that finds Christmas as bizarre as you do): Go to Las Vegas for Christmas. Preferably for the whole Christmas season. You will suddenly find wearing a elf hat with a bell on is really fun. Especially each time you hit a blackjack. Tell everyone you suddenly developed a very contagious flu and have to be in bed for a week or more, then get the heck out of town. While in Vegas practice the Christmas spirit by over tipping the very attractive ladies carrying around free drinks (or the very attractive, very muscular bar tender). Instead of having to endure watching another Christmas movie so sweet it will give you diabetes, get a hotel room that offers in-room movies where you can watch ANYTHING you want. Instead of freezing in ‘a winter wonderland’, go sit by the pool and work on your tan. If you cannot get to Vegas, Reno Nevada offers some very inexpensive Christmas specials. If traveling to Las Vegas is not in the cards, did you know a lot of Native Americans don’t celebrate Christmas … for good reason … and a lot of them own Casinos.

Gather a Grinch Clan – Hold a Grinch Party

You may have to suffer through another visit with the in-laws. Or, worse, have them come to visit you. But there is nothing that will buck-up your spirits like attending or holding a Grinch party. The key is to gather a clan of grinch-like spirits together. Really, they are not that hard to find. They are typically the one’s trying to escape another Christmas party. They ask if they can give a lump of coal as a present. They refuse to exchange the "Merry Christmas" greeting (instead say, "yes, yes, and ho-ho-ho to you, too. They endlessly complain about mixing religion with government (or business, or relationships, or anything else. They secretly think Bill Maher is not only funny but an intellectual giant. Yes, grinches can be found everywhere. They seem to multiply the closer Christmas gets. Once a clan of grinches has been quietly assembled, it is time for a grinch party.

At a grinch party everyone greets everyone else with, "Bah Humbug!". The more enthusiastic the better. A picture of Scrooge in proudly displayed, preferably in a place of honor, like right over the fireplace. A picture of Scrooge Mc Duck is perfectly acceptable. There are no Christmas decoration anywhere. The exception is for a Grinch party held in the country, somewhere far from neighbors, where the annual Christmas ornament shoot is held. Christmas ornaments (and lots of them) are hung at 25 yards out and everyone gets a chance to use the BB Gun, pellet gun or for the more hard core, a 22 rife, to shoot as many ornaments as they can. You hit one, you get to shoot again. Some Grinch clans like to have a $5 buy-in and the winner gets the pot.

The Grinch party gift giving is very different. Everyone MUST bring a gift. The grinches gather at a predetermined time and each person opens their gift. It is a gift they are giving to themselves. The gifts can be simple like jewelry or extravagant as a car. Everyone cheers the wonderful gift each person is giving themselves. If you cannot haul that new 100 inch TV or new car to the party then you just need to wrap the receipt for that new TV and/or car then unwrap it at the party. All gifts are wrapped in old newspaper or magazine paper. This is proof that grinches are environmentally superior to Christmas celebrators in every way.

Everyone gets to be jealous of the great gift other people gave to. themselves. It is important to openly express that jealousy. People being openly jealous of the great gift you gave yourself only makes your present to yourself that much sweeter. There are no Christmas drinks. Only hard liquor and beer. Non-drinks are welcome to work out their own form of inebriations, if any. Really sober people get to make fun of the drunk people and the drunk people get to make fun of the sober people then everyone must forget anything said or done at the Grinch party.

grinch cup

Get Your Own Grinch Cup – Click Mug Above – Bah Humbug!

Lacking a Christmas ornament shoot, the Grinch party ends with the Santa Claus dart throw. A good sized portrait of Santa Claus is place on a disposable wall and everyone gets to throw three darts at Santa Claus. A balloon is place over Santa’s head, on his belly and over his privates. Whoever can, with three darts and in order, pop Santa’s balloons (first over his head, then his belly, then his privates) wins Santa’s ho-ho-HO award (two very ugly Christmas ornament glued together with a bow in the center – the prize varies between different Grinch Clans and regions)

Once you have enjoyed a Grinch party, you spirits should be raised to help get you through another turkey with in-laws; the present you didn’t want and the hollow ‘thank-you’s’ from people who didn’t get the present they wanted. It will light you right up knowing you got the present you REALLY want and everyone hated you for it.

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